Tilt Republic. Johannesburg. New York. Cape Town. London.

An Open Letter to Piers Morgan

Hi Pierce, hope I can call you by your first name, you’re a bit posh after all. I’m also aware that’s not how you spell youre name, but I thought you should give it a go, it has more ummpfh that way.

 

I know things aren’t going so well at the moment between you and my country (South Africa) and I just wanted to say that I don’t hate you. Not that I wouldn’t swear at you on twitter, but that’s different, everyone knows the internet doesn’t count. I’ve just spent the better half of the day reading hate tweets pointed at you and I just wanted to see if you did anything other that say South Africa should have less guns? It sounds like you did something terrible.

 

Here are some tweets I found to you. (in case you missed it)

 

@piersmorganI am sick with shock to this absolute cunt’s remarks about something he doesn’t have any authority to comment on

 

@piersmorgan has proved he is a 1st rate arsehole!Now I hope he rots in hell!

 

I think this next one in particularly harsh.

 

Don’t forget to mention that English people come over here and hire people to kill!@piersmorgan

 

I know you’re fairly new to America, how did you organize a greencard, you lucky fish. Anyway, the problem seems to be about redneck transcendence. It’s a theory I’ve been working on all afternoon with my mate Dustin.

 

See, we started by theoretically tracking two related primordial globules of single cell muck that shacked up. It appears that they were two organisms in a single cell (see illustration) and not in fact single cell organisms. A little embarrassing for established science I know, but we cracked the code while drinking coffee today. The only thing dumber than a single cell organism, is an inbred single cell organism. You should see the ramifications down here, just like your work country has a deep South problem, we have a deep North problem.

 

Even though I don’t really watch your show or like the network you’re involved in, your clothing, country, opinions, hairstyle, length to body weight ratio or obsession with a gun free planet, I still count myself a fan of sorts.

 

This is the reason I’m going to give you advice. See Pierce, people would shoot each other less if we had less guns in the country. I don’t fault you on that, that’s exactly what would happen. But that’s why we buy ourselves guns, to shoot people. So, the problem is more about getting people to stop shooting each other. This, of course, can be ebbed by bad behaviour. Your tiff with my country all started with your unacceptable behaviour. Who are you to tweet, and I quote “Yes, wonderful country, but big gun crime problem “. Excuse my French Pierce, but who the flip do you think you are? You’re clearly trying to make a mockery out of us.

 

So, my advice to you, is to not ever say anything about any country you haven’t contracted a disease in. That’s my bar of acceptance and I know you’ll do your utmost to comply. So, I look forward to not hearing from you or seeing you at the local pub, chatting up gun toting hotties (don’t forget to leave the rubbers at home).

 

Peace out Pierce

Christopher Steenkamp

PS I just found out you’re actually still British but work in America, commuting that far must be kak. Do you use one of those doughnut cushions? My uncle does, he has a small problem with his anus. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll discuss it over a beer soon.