Tilt Republic. Johannesburg. New York. Cape Town. London.


Now I’ve been batted hard, but being threatened with jail time by the her majesty’s court seems like some seriously defective game.

Katherine Goldberg, a twenty five year old executive from South Africa, groped an air steward on a London flight in mid air, which apparently isn’t as difficult as it sounds. Breaking news has her barely escaping the shackles. Now I’m all for behaving yourself, it’s important, but this must be the most overt overreaction I’ve encountered in a long time. Well, outside of Jennifer Thorpe’s entire literary career. I would never have even mentioned any of this, had it not found its way on to the front page of my morning paper.

Amanda Reyneke, paid two Nigerians to kill Deon Helberg and she is out on probation. Attempted murder- out on probation. Feel the knee-jerk morally transcendent indignant magic at work? Almost like there’s a little perspective that’s been missed out on.

My deductions seem to point towards a bizarre phenomenon.  That this world’s judiciary value an air steward’s balls more than a Blue Bulls player’s life. I’m not condoning Goldberg’s heightened insensibilities, but I sense a certain lack of perspective.

Most people grind through an entire day without the option of a groping. Frankly, I think that’s what the average work day is missing- absenteeism would ebb- morale would rise. Take a look around any office – the average suburbanite would donate a limb, or at the very least a hefty dose of essential fluid, for a brisk mid morning fondle.

Should they really be sending people who grope strangers to prison? Doesn’t sound like a fitting punishment. Prison, essentially, is a building filled with people who like groping strangers. We should be sending frigid people to jail, not the horny ones- they’re not going to learn anything new there. Besides, what’s the good of liberal inclinations if we aren’t going to get a little risqué every now and then? That air steward, whoever he is, needs to man up and recognise a compliment when he receives one.

Yes, it seems that equality of the sexes has started hitting critical levels. Very soon misogyny will be turned into a pro rights movement, but for now we shouldn’t jump the gun on bringing down the hammer with regards to front footed fondling by the fairer sex. As far as I can tell, it’s the first it’s ever happened.