Something bizarre has sprawled itself all over my news feed. New Zealanders are running out of Marmite. Yes, this has made it to the home page of the Mail and Guardian.
There’s one factory in the misty expat haven and it has sadly been forced to close. The Christchurch organization was destroyed during those earthquakes and now Kiwiland is forced to face the ghastly prospects of what has been entitled a Marmageddon. For fuck’s sake.
If we worked backwards from the events and applied some deductive reasoning it’s very easy to infer that God himself hates Marmite. Is an earthquake not considered an act of God?
I have no idea why I’m writing about this outside of the fact that it’s bloody ludicrous, the real problem hinges on the closing down of that specific factory, which has been producing New Zealand’s own version of the product since 1919. Fans of the sludge say that it has a specific edge that similar spreads just don’t have. 640 tonnes of this shit is consumed annually.
The thing I enjoyed most about this incident is the seriousness with which it has been handled. Our prehistoric selves wouldn’t put up with this one bit. It’s difficult to find a reason to feel positive about the future of humanity when these are some of our greatest problems.
People are going on panicked stockpiling sprees, piling their cupboards with Marmite, how boring could New Zealand possibly be that running out of Marmite is an actual national issue. This sounds like a definite step in an insane direction, very soon humanity might become incapable of recognizing actual problems at all. The great condiment depression of 2012.
The Prime Minister, John Key, has actually addressed this fucking issue publicly, how irrelevant can you be and still breath. Of all the things to be concerned about this is what he chose to talk to tackle? He reached out to the masses to help them in their time of need. Perhaps he can bring it up during his next campaign, vote for the man that single handedly steered this great nation through the Marmite drought of 2012.
The fact that New Zealanders eat 640 tonnes of the stuff makes me a little anxious. What are they up to? The main ingredient in Marmite is yeast, now we all know the comedy there isn’t tasteful or even attractive but it has to be pointed out. This is clearly a problem for cunts.
They said that Vegemite and other alternatives were not good enough as a compromise, well I’m glad they have their convictions figured, draw those ideological lines, besides, even New Zealanders have rights.
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